On Friday morning at 6:30, the Fairbanks Panthers cross country teams met in the parking lot of FHS, and began loading a trailer with all the gear that they would need for a weekend spent at Peaceful Acres Resort, in Ludington Michigan, on the shores of beautiful Lake Michigan. Soon, the cars were packed with parents, athletes, and coaches, and POW! They were off, for a long drive to East Lansing, the home of Michigan State University.
In the Van Winkle’s car, the drive began with Coaches Emily and Mike Van Winkle, and JP, listening to the adorable chatter coming from Vivian Van Winkle, who spoke of farm animals and helicopters and Disney princesses. After about an hour of this, Coach Mike Van Winkle suddenly pulled the car over to the side of the road, grabbed Vivienne’s water bottle, poured a mysterious clear liquid into it, and handed it back to her. Minutes later, she was fast asleep. “What was that stuff you put in her bottle?” Coach Powell nervously asked. “Nothing…don’t worry about it…vitamins,” Van Winkle tersely responded. “Now,” he said, “Let’s get our Rogan on.” He then carefully selected the first of what would be many episodes of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast that dealt with topics like simulation theory and the multiverse. Coach Powell’s mind began racing as he thought about the ideas that were being floated by fringe pseudo-scientists regarding past lives and alien-built quantum computers, capable of generating a detailed holographic reality. “You see,” said Coach Van Winkle, “it’s all an illusion. The pain and suffering that you experience in life…it’s all just a part of the game.” Coach Powell frowned and said, “But I still don’t get why— “Shhhh! For heaven’s sake, JP, just listen!” Emily Van Winkle hissed from the backseat. “You’re going to miss the main point!” Abruptly, Coach Powell grew silent, and again tried his best to make sense of the various theories being proposed and expounded upon by Rogan and his guests. After each episode, the Van Winkles would join hands and speak the following, in unison: “We thank thee, Joe Rogan, for the wisdom you have imparted to us, and we will continue to spread the good news.” Then, they would dip their fingers into a silver bowl that contained fresh milk and touch it to their foreheads. “You keep a bowl of dairy milk in your car? Like, all the time?” Coach Powell asked. “One must always be prepared,” said Emily. “Slow down, Mike, we’re almost here.”
And sure enough, right at that moment, the Panther caravan pulled into the parking lot at Michigan State’s golf course, where the Spartan XC Invite was to be held. The parents and athletes unloaded the necessary gear from the trailer and quickly set up a team camp while the coaches located the packets for the runners. Soon, the boys were off for a quick warm up run, for they would be racing first. At the starting line, Coach Van Winkle called the boys together and gave them one last bit of advice. “Remember, my children, when you vibrate at a low frequency, you look for the path, but when you vibrate at a high frequency, the path looks for you.” The athletes gazed at their leader in adoration and nodded. Then they piled their hands together, and senior captain Zeke Gingerich shouted, “For Rogan!” “FOR ROGAN,” the team yelled back.
Then, the gun sounded, POW! And they were off, down a lengthy fairway that opened the course. The sun was shining and the temperature was warm, but that didn’t stop the boys from going all out. The competition was fierce, as the boys were running in the elite race against much larger schools, such as Dublin Jerome, Hilliard Davidson, Upper Arlington and several big programs from Michigan. After three miles, the leading athletes began the turn down the final straightaway towards the finish. Several runners would cross before the first Fairbanks athlete appeared. It was Zeke Gingerich, and as he finished, he could be heard muttering to himself, “This isn’t real…it’s all an illusion…Rogan was right!” Full results below:
129th place—Zeke Gingerich—18:35
166th—Andrew Doll—19:35
167th—Daniel Thomas—19:36
181st—Nicholas Johnson—20:09
184th—JJ Miehls—20:15
186th—Bryce Nisly—20:23
188th—Noah Thorley—20:27
191st—Brady Adams—20:35
196th—Elton Bailey—20:56
197th—Wesley Goellner—21:11
Back at team camp, the girls were getting ready to warm-up for their race. They had begun hearing rumors of what the course was like. Supposedly, there was a long patch of muddy track that was sucking the shoes right off the runners’ feet, and one section of the course led directly through the middle of the driving range, where runners had to dodge the golfballs being launched at them by laughing groups of sadistic MSU fraternity boys. “I don’t like the sound of this,” said freshman Lanay Sommers, as tears welled in her eyes. “I knew that high school would be different than middle school,” said Corrina Seabourn, “but this was not what I had in mind. I’m afraid.” Avery Thorley tried to drink from a water bottle, but her hands were shaking so badly that the water just kept sloshing out and dripping down her cheeks and chin. Hadley Premuda simply curled into the fetal position and tried to hide under a pile of backpacks and blankets. But Prairie Bailey bravely gathered them together and reminded them of the advice that Coach Van Winkle had given them earlier in the season. “In the multi-verse, each choice you make spawns a new reality. In some worlds, you’ll finish in first place, and in some, you’ll get blasted in the face by a golf ball. The bottom line is that when presented with a challenge, it’s just an opportunity to prepare for the ultimate fate our alien overlords have in store for us.” This blunt fact-check quickly quieted and calmed the girls, and then, along with the rest of the team, they all moved towards the starting line, where Coach Van Winkle was waiting for them. His eyes rolled back in his head so that only the whites were showing, and he began speaking in Latin. “Di spect at omnia quad te moveant. Vacate in agris mugiunt. Sanguis innocentium per plate as fluit. Haec dicit Rogan.” The girls understood, and without a further word, they took to the line and waited for the gun to sound. POW! And they were off. Down the opening stretch poured forth a swarm of athletes, and team captains Ava Lahmers and Sadie Miller did their best to stay near the front of the pack. Through the mud pit, they advanced. Across the driving range they weaved, careful to avoid the writhing bodies of other athletes who had fallen victims to the golf ball artillery. And soon, the first runners appeared, sprinting towards the finish line. Full results below:
89th—Sadie Miller—21:44
101st—Ava Lahmers—22:01
102nd—Mara Vicari—22:07
131st—Mollie Thrush—23:50
144th—Elizabeth Phillipo—24:34
146th—Hannah Niehaus—24:42
147th—Avery Thorley—24:47
150th—Hadley Premuda—25:03
156th—Evie Reidman—26:01
159th—Prairie Bailey—27:20
160th—Corrina Seaborn—28:50
161st—Lanay Sommers—30:05
The race finished, and the Panther athletes gathered at the stage for a team photo before walking across the golf course to a bridge, where they posed again. Then it was time to load back into the cars for a two and a half hour drive to the western side of the state, where their resort getaway was waiting for them. This time, Coach Powell knew better, and he pretended to sleep while the Van Winkles continued listening to old episodes of the Joe Rogan Experience.
Shortly after arriving and dispersing into their respective cabins, the Hungry Howie’s pizza arrived, and the Panthers dug in. Some of the boys spent the next few hours hunting around the beach with metal detectors, while the girls went swimming in the refreshing waters of Hamlin Lake. Night fell, and Coach Van Winkle expertly built a fire for S’mores. The kids reveled in their freedom while the chaperones talked about the events of the day. Before he knew what hit him, Panther parent John Thomas found himself cornered by Coach Powell, who forced him to watch YouTube videos of UFOs released by the Pentagon. Eventually, he relented to Coach Powell’s feverish exhortations and agreed, that yes, indeed, the videos were proof that our world was being visited by extraterrestrials. Soon, it was time for lights out, and everyone retreated to the comfort of their cabins. It had been a great day. But there was so much more to come.
To be continued……